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How to know if you’re queer

-This article was the first article I found that made me feel like I could be queer, even if I hadn’t always known. After months of searching, it gave me a rush of relief to know that my experience was shared with another human being. The quote from Holly Hugh’s The New Fuck You that stood out to the author stood out to me too: “I spent my entire childhood in a coma. Then I turned twenty and I kissed a woman.” Fuckkkkkkkk.

-Lesbian Youtuber Ingrid Nilsen’s video ‘How do you know you’re gay?’ won’t give you all the answers, but it may help you to feel comfortable with the experience of figuring it out.

-This article affirms that no one can tell you your sexuality. It tells the story of discovering sexual fluidity when no other label seemed to fit.

-This is a cartoon about the value of labels and how they don’t need to put you in a box – they are more like a garden. This was helpful for me when all my hetties told me not to stress about finding a label. 

-This is a funny story of someone realising they are a lesbian at 30. The indifference towards men without questioning her straightness is such a heteronormative mood.

-This poem deals with the complexity of closets and the nuance of coming out of them.

Be-coming out

-This is a bisexual disclosure kit, which provides guidance in the coming out process. Much of it is useful for people of any identity. This is not an authority on the right way to come out, but provides some guidelines that can help you think about what process will work for you.

-This article is on the whiteness of coming out, and how racialized folks can have a different relationship to coming out.  

-This comic highlights that coming out is not always the linear path it is presented to be in the media. Coming out is a process, not a moment.

-Check out this clip between Ellen Page and Ellen Degeneres for a ‘celesbian’ take on coming out.

-For when it’s hard, don’t forget, it gets better. Here are lesbian icons Tegan and Sara to tell you about their stories.

-This is an article about Janelle Monáe’s coming out, among other things. I had liked her for many years and was so chuffed to learn she is queer!

-This is a compilation of 13 different coming out stories – one may resonate with you.

-This is Lauren Morelli’s story of be-coming out and realising she is queer while working on the set of Orange is the New Black. She also challenges the born this way narrative. If you prefer to listen, here is an interview about the experience. 

-Whether you're exploring your pronouns, or are new to the world of queerness and want to be a good ally to our trans and genderqueer fam, this is a link to an article about the use of they as a singular gender neutral pronoun. Personally, I don't think something needs to be 'grammatically correct' if it is something that affirms someone's identity, but it's a good explanation for any 'grammar geezers' in your life

Newly Out

-Helen describes the top five tools in her baby dyke survival kit. It is slightly dated, but still sweet and helpful.

-Lesbian Youtuber Ally Hills wrote this song on How to know if a girl is a lesbian. I’m sure it’s tongue-in-cheek, but I followed the advice pretty closely in my first baby dyke shopping spree.

-This is a Wiki-How guide on how to get a girlfriend, just to show you how deep and pathetic my research went.

Advice to parents

None of this advice is perfect. If you’re so inclined, it can get you thinking about how you can support your parents so that they can better support you. If you want to do this, then I recommend meeting your parents where they are at. But also know that you are not required to do emotional labour to help them process your coming out. You have a enough to deal with on your own – I know I did.  

-This article provides guidance to parents with a child questioning their sexuality. My mom especially wanted help to understand me. Sometimes it was hard for me to be processing and helping someone else process at the same time. You can always send your parents resources!

-This article provides six key pieces of advice for parents when a child comes out to them.

-This is an article with a story of how the author’s mom handled their coming out, and provides advice to moms (or any parents) on how to handle it well. Even in a totally loving parental relationship, coming out can still be hard. Be prepared for anything. Before you come out, manage your expectations.


This is one where you have to do your own exploring. You don’t need to have sex to confirm your sexuality. If you are looking for advice, I’d recommend a book over the internet. Girl Sex 101 by Allison Moon and KD Diamond is a great one-stop shop that does away with all the confusion of online tips and tricks. Also, it embraces the fullness of human gender and sexuality, and provides advice that will help a wide spectrum of genders and abilities feel good.

-Here are two different guides to help you figure out what sorts of things you want to do and what safe sex means to you – Scarleteen and Autostraddle.

-Autostraddle, god’s gift to lesbians, has also provided some basic guides to lesbian sex for the first time – 101, 102 and 103.


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